Very profound title, I know. But that's all I have tonight are thoughts. Many of them. My kids are with Aunt Lacey and Uncle Chris and I had uninterrupted prayer time. Wonderful and blessed prayer time! Uninterrupted prayer time (which seems rare for me) often brings about a soul searching of sorts. It gives me time to think and pray about things that I tend to push to the back burner. Tonight, it brought to mind many things that I've not thought about in a while because cares of life have taken over the past few weeks. Here's a list:
1. Kari is doing so good and I've seen that little sparkle return to her eyes in the past week. I wasn't sure I would ever see that again. God is good.
2. Malachi is growing up and I have no babies anymore. Exciting and sad and fun all at the same time.
3. I have two children that the Lord has blessed me with. It's my responsibility to train them up in the right way...am I doing this? It scares me that leading and guiding their souls ultimately rests upon me. I can use all the excuses about single parenting that I want to, but then I have to consider Susanna Wesley who mothered the most influential preachers that were around in their time and she did it alone. She didn't have TWO kids, she had like 19??? I've been told that she took time each day to pray and read with each child and still took the time to do her own praying and reading daily. Makes any excuse that I have look pretty pitiful. Am I praying and reading my Bible like I should? Probably not because I think sleep is precious in the wee hours of the morning. Setting my alarm and getting up before the kids do so that I can pray and read UNINTERRUPTED DAILY hasn't been a goal of mine. Shouldn't I make it a point to have that time with the Lord daily so that things don't get pushed to the back burner? Shame on me. Am I taking the time that I should with my kids each day to pray with them and teach them? Not like I should. Am I doing other things and stuff and letting everything else get in the way? Yep. This has burdened me and I'm praying that with God's help, He will help me be a better parent...one that cares about her children's souls more than sleep or some frivolous activity.
4. I heard a song called Somebody Like Me (you can look it up on YouTube by Jason Crabb) and it made me cry tonight as I was praying. How many people are desperately searching for something/someone to help them find a better life? Alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, etc...they only need somebody to tell them that Jesus loves them and that He died so that they can live a better life? But how many of us turn our heads thinking there's no use because those people can't change? Turn our heads because we don't want to be part of their problems because we have so many of our own? Are we so selfish and self-centered that we think that unless we take mission trips to foreign countries that we're not doing anything for God? Because we're not on the front line of the ministry so to speak we can't work for God? I'm so thankful for those that are on the front line of the ministry...pastors, evangelists, youth pastors, missionaries. Bless them for their dedication and committment! However, for me, there are people on my own street that need the Lord. In my own town, there are lonely, miserable, hopeless people because they have no idea what Jesus can do for them and how He longs to set them free. Am I searching for that person? Or am I finding ways I can be in the spotlight somewhere doing something that everybody can see? There are so many opportunities around me to work for Jesus and I can't see past what's happening in my life and in my family long enough to pray about it. Again, shame on me.
5. God has been so good to me and my children. How quickly I can forget that! I remember in the beginning of our leukemia journey, we had friends all around us. Friends calling, texting, visiting and, in general, surrounding us with support and love. But their lives moved on and ours seemingly didn't. I know people care and pray for us still; however, there comes a time when those people aren't around to dry our tears, to let me ramble because I need to let off steam after being in a hospital all day, to hug me and encourage me that things are going to be okay. It's just me and God and I've learned that it's truly HIM that gets us through. Friends and family are wonderful and I thank God for our support system! But I've found a great comfort in knowing that when our life seems to stop, He's at the stop sign waiting for us!
I have thoughts not brought about by my prayer time but after the things I just talked about, I'm ashamed to even mention those. That will be another post!
I hope you all have a great remainder of the week! We have clinic tomorrow and we will be up early so it's off to bed for me! :)