I've put off posting on here for several days because I just haven't had the words to say. Pappy and Gammy (David and Karen) pulled out after their appreciation service on Sunday. It tore my heart in two.
I think in one of my posts when Kari was first diagnosed with ALL, I talked about submitting to God's will and how hard it was when we couldn't see the way He was leading us. It's hard to understand the ways of God and I have never pretended that I could trace Him through this past year. And now, in yet another chapter in our lives, I can't even begin to trace Him.
I was reflecting on this time last year and have had to come face to face with my trust issues. Yes, trust issues. I have had trust issues throughout my life due to certain things that have happened to me. Those trust issues have always been with people. These new trust issues have been with God.
Some things I can look back and say....yeah, I can see some good already that has come out of that. But for the most part, I look back and say...what in the world???!
This time last year, Kari had suffered a few bouts with strep throat and one bout of the flu. I had suffered 4 rounds of strep and then ended up with mono. The doctor assumed that Kari had it too, last May. We literally spent 6 months in the doctor's office and finally, in July, came to the realization of Leukemia.
If that wasn't bad enough, our family went through a huge change in September and I, once again, became a single parent. (I don't think I've talked about this at all on here since it happened but I'm feeling the need to have a little confession/testimony time so bear with me)
To say it's been tough is definitely an understatement. I've had times of anger (many of those), times of bitterness, times of anger, times of deep sadness, times of anger, times of frustration, times of anger....it's been an emotional roller coaster. We've had MANY happy times in the midst of all that anger and hurt and sadness. My kids are so much a joy in my life and I thank God daily for allowing me to be their mother. The responsibility runs very deep in my heart to raise my kids right and that responsibility almost weighs me down at times. My heart's desire is to see my children grow up and love the Lord and to do that in this crazy world we live in will take lots of prayer and dedication. The majority of the time, I fall so short.
I've heard so many people tell me that God must trust me an awful lot to put so many things on me at once. Okay, right. So, in talking to my wise mother a while back, she made the comment that all I could do was trust God. Trust God? When he's allowing all these things to happen to me and my family? When everything around me crumbled in a period of 3 months? I didn't question it much as it was happening. Perhaps I was trying so hard to get through it that I didn't take the time to think?
She said this to me and it hurt my heart because I knew it was true: "It sounds like you don't trust God. You need to get down and pray and decide if you're going to trust Him no matter what or only if He's doing what you want Him to."
How many times have I said, even on this blog, that I would trust Him and cling to Him even when I couldn't figure out where in the world He was going with this mess? But deep down, was I really trusting Him? Saying it and really feeling it are obviously two different things.
So, I've come face to face with these trust issues the past few months and definitely in the past few weeks. God has such a bigger plan and can see the big picture in this journey called LIFE. I've come to the realization that the majority of the time we are in a sense, blindly following Him, never knowing where He's going to lead next and never knowing exactly what He's doing. Yet, we press on even when we're confused, hurt, angry and even bitter because we know God truly holds the answer and has us in the palm of His big hand. And eventually, we give Him all of those hurt, angry, bitter feelings and He heals those hurts and heals our broken hearts.
I'm figuring out that trust isn't an instantaneous thing that comes immediately when we pray for it. For some of us, it's a journey that we embark upon with the Lord and He teaches us how to trust Him and lean upon Him. One thing I know for sure is that God has always been faithful to me and I don't believe He will fail me now. That, I think, is trusting that God is in control. I believe I'm making progress with this issue with the Lord's help (and my mom's wisdom to guide me). I desire your prayers...again.
I appreciate your friendship and support, your sweet encouraging comments, and most of all, your prayers!
(I have some cute new pics of the kids but I haven't downloaded them yet. Birthday pics are hopefully coming in the next few days.)
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