Friday, April 27, 2012


I've put off posting on here for several days because I just haven't had the words to say.   Pappy and Gammy (David and Karen) pulled out after their appreciation service on Sunday. It tore my heart in two.

I think in one of my posts when Kari was first diagnosed with ALL, I talked about submitting to God's will and how hard it was when we couldn't see the way He was leading us. It's hard to understand the ways of God and I have never pretended that I could trace Him through this past year. And now, in yet another chapter in our lives, I can't even begin to trace Him. I was reflecting on this time last year and have had to come face to face with my trust issues. Yes, trust issues. I have had trust issues throughout my life due to certain things that have happened to me. Those trust issues have always been with people. These new trust issues have been with God.

Some things I can look back and say....yeah, I can see some good already that has come out of that. But for the most part, I look back and say...what in the world???!

This time last year, Kari had suffered a few bouts with strep throat and one bout of the flu. I had suffered 4 rounds of strep and then ended up with mono. The doctor assumed that Kari had it too, last May. We literally spent 6 months in the doctor's office and finally, in July, came to the realization of Leukemia. If that wasn't bad enough, our family went through a huge change in September and I, once again, became a single parent. (I don't think I've talked about this at all on here since it happened but I'm feeling the need to have a little confession/testimony time so bear with me)

To say it's been tough is definitely an understatement. I've had times of anger (many of those), times of bitterness, times of anger, times of deep sadness, times of anger, times of frustration, times of's been an emotional roller coaster. We've had MANY happy times in the midst of all that anger and hurt and sadness. My kids are so much a joy in my life and I thank God daily for allowing me to be their mother. The responsibility runs very deep in my heart to raise my kids right and that responsibility almost weighs me down at times. My heart's desire is to see my children grow up and love the Lord and to do that in this crazy world we live in will take lots of prayer and dedication. The majority of the time, I fall so short.

  I've heard so many people tell me that God must trust me an awful lot to put so many things on me at once. Okay, right. So, in talking to my wise mother a while back, she made the comment that all I could do was trust God. Trust God? When he's allowing all these things to happen to me and my family? When everything around me crumbled in a period of 3 months? I didn't question it much as it was happening. Perhaps I was trying so hard to get through it that I didn't take the time to think? She said this to me and it hurt my heart because I knew it was true: "It sounds like you don't trust God. You need to get down and pray and decide if you're going to trust Him no matter what or only if He's doing what you want Him to."

How many times have I said, even on this blog, that I would trust Him and cling to Him even when I couldn't figure out where in the world He was going with this mess? But deep down, was I really trusting Him? Saying it and really feeling it are obviously two different things.

So, I've come face to face with these trust issues the past few months and definitely in the past few weeks. God has such a bigger plan and can see the big picture in this journey called LIFE. I've come to the realization that the majority of the time we are in a sense, blindly following Him, never knowing where He's going to lead next and never knowing exactly what He's doing. Yet, we press on even when we're confused, hurt, angry and even bitter because we know God truly holds the answer and has us in the palm of His big hand. And eventually, we give Him all of those hurt, angry, bitter feelings and He heals those hurts and heals our broken hearts.

I'm figuring out that trust isn't an instantaneous thing that comes immediately when we pray for it. For some of us, it's a journey that we embark upon with the Lord and He teaches us how to trust Him and lean upon Him. One thing I know for sure is that God has always been faithful to me and I don't believe He will fail me now.   That, I think, is trusting that God is in control. I believe I'm making progress with this issue with the Lord's help (and my mom's wisdom to guide me). I desire your prayers...again.

I appreciate your friendship and support, your sweet encouraging comments, and most of all, your prayers!
(I have some cute new pics of the kids but I haven't downloaded them yet. Birthday pics are hopefully coming in the next few days.)


  1. Ash... your words are so similar to my thoughts.. I get what your saying TOTALLY!! I also have trust issues...I know how hard it is to leave things in GOD's hands, when you don't know what he is going to do with it. But I have found.... that he understands and knows ME.. he knows issues that I have, afraid to trust, afraid of being hurt. He took my baby..why ? I still ask him that question.... Why would you do this to us? and no, he has never given me a verbal answer to the WHY? but he has given me strength to endure not knowing..the why.. He DOES see the big picture... I don't. I hate that you have had so many hard hits esp in the past year, I can't tell you how to trust him... bc I don't know how to do that myself at all times.. but as a friend, I can tell you that NO matter what he does.... he will NEVER leave may feel like he has at times, when the pain is so overwhelming.. but right at that last milasecond, when you feel that ALL hope is gone and he is never going to show up... HE appears and he covers you with his strength. Praying for you guys Ilove you! Tonya H

  2. Ashlee...what remarkable words! As I set here in tears after reading this. You are such an incredible woman. To be through all the MANY things you have been thru and still be the person you are is amazing! And I know you are the woman you are because of the God you serve!! I don't understand why He has chose you to bear all the many things you have had to bear but you have proven to be pure GOLD after you have been tried in a mighty tough fire! God is using you in a mighty way...although you may not see it now! I love you so much and I pray for you everyday!

  3. We think of you and your family often .. hope to see you one day soon at clinic ... believe!!!

  4. Ash, Once again I see my girl go thru things I wouldn't have dreamed you would be facing. I sit here in tears because if I could take some of this away I would. But HE will give you strenghth to strength from faith to faith for each and every one of us walking with HIM. It so wonderfully peaceful knowing that all of the things in our lives are (IN HIS HANDS). BUT if each and everyone of us would just take a look at where our BIG AND LITTLE problems in life has made us grow in GOD its so amazing. Love you sweetheart. You do a good job with those grandbabies. Praying for you always.

  5. Trust Issues....I am not sure if everyone doesn't go through a time in life that this happens to them. I admire your courage and strength that you have in raising your children alone because I know by experience that in its self is challenging and hard! I have been having some of these same struggles. I have been praying for many years for the Lord to send me and my daughter someone in our life that could be a father to her, and a husband to me. Well, she is now 15 years old and that has not happened. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer and how horrifying it was to me to hear those words, not that I was worried about myself but my daughter. I read your post and it encourages me you are a very blessed woman of God and I am thankful for your words that you share on this blog. Sometimes your words are what gets me through my day. Being a single parent and experiencing one problem after another it seems I am always in the valley it becomes easy to get myself in a pity party but then I have to begin thinking the Lord trusted me enough to carry this load. I have to remember in his word it says he will put no more on us than we can bear, although at times I feel like my load has me down to a crawl,I will continue to crawl until i can get to the top of the mountain. Stay encouraged and know that the Lord has blessed you and loves you and he is there for you when no one else is, or can be.

  6. You make my heart ache for you and your little family. We'll understand it better by and by!


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